November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
#polloftheday
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.