my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Check your privilege
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.