Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
School be like
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.