[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
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My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Mistakes were made
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
good work, everybody
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
A friend helps you before you need it
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep