I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
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“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals