Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
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Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Beware of fowl play.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy