For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
🙅🏻
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
john wicks are toilet candles
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me