I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
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Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.