No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
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I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door