i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
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In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄