My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
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Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂