Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
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Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Just say no
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna