every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.