Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras