For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
You Might Also Like
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream