The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
You Might Also Like
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
A double negative is a big no-no.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…