At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*