*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My blood type is b hungry.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!