Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
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Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?