I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I am, perchance
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
He is just living hist best little life 😊
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.