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[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
checking out some reviews of my local library
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”