Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so