ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
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ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Born to be mild.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack