my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
me before I type out affect or effect
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Social Media and Real life
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY