to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
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[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Nice try, NASA
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.