I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)