ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
dutch is not a serious language
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”