When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
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daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.