“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
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“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Not all heroes wear capes.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.