Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
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I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
every. time.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me