God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.