Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*