Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
PARKOUR
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar