coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this