Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance