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i’m having this made into a welcome mat
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.