Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
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Them: Just act casual
Me:
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
🙀🙀🙀😹
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?