Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
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Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Nothing.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?