Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
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I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss