My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
You Might Also Like
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
rise and shine we got egg
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines