The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.