BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The booster protects against what, now?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.