People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Boom, boom, ching!
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know