Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
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[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I’m giving up for Lent.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣