Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
You Might Also Like
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME