[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
i hate you platonically
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be