Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
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Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend