Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge