I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday