Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
You Might Also Like
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
i made a craigslist ad !
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat